The Definitive List of Things That Become Difficult When You Have A Baby

Ok, maybe not definitive. But I’ve put a lot of thought into this.

Sleep:  Everyone knows this. But seriously, no rest for the weary.  And I don’t even have a baby that has issues sleeping at night.  It’s just that he makes a noise, and I pop awake.  Is he breathing?  Is he cold? Is he too hot?  Does he still love me?  And he wakes at 5am. And by the time he goes to bed, I have a running list of things I need to do like make dinner, eat, and speak to my husband

Hair: You just can’t. Sometimes I want to cut it all off.  Freddy has this amazing ability to grab onto the most sensitive hairs at the base of my scalp or just behind my ears, where I literally beg him to ‘Please let go. Mommy loves you so much.  Mommy will give you extra bananas at lunch if you let go.’ He doesn’t even recognise me with my hair down, nor do I anymore.

Jewelry: I love jewelry.  Earings, necklaces, bracelets, watches.  As of last week, the sad realisation dawned on me that I can’t wear dangly earrings anymore after I almost didn’t have two peirced ears anymore.  If he can’t reach the sensitive hairs, he goes for the earrings.  Necklaces are a choking hazard, for me and him.

Bodily Noises: I’m not just talking about the occasional toot.  You know that moment when your baby has just very tentatively gone to sleep for a nap, and you decided now would be a great time to read your book, and you bend down to pick it up off the floor and SNAP CRACKLE POP. There go your knees, and ankles, and maybe even your neck. And then baby’s eyes pop open.  Coughing or sneezing is also out of the question. Sometimes even breathing.

Bathing: In my antenatal class, our instructor warned us that bathing will become something that needs to be scheduled and coordinated with ones partner.  I scoffed at this. I was not going to be one of those mothers with baby sick in her hair who hadn’t showered in several days and with her hair up in a messy bun.  Guess what. I am that lady.

Eating: I feel like I never eat, which is weird because oddly I’m still pretty overweight from being pregnant. Maybe I eat, it’s just never a proper meal and usually 15 Rich Tea biscuits I scoff down when Freddy goes down for one of his 30 minute power naps and I’ve got bottles to wash and his lunch to prepare.

Being Social: The number of people I’m very overdue for a coffee, lunch, or drink is starting to get embarassing and I’m afraid people will give up on me.

Drinking Alcohol: I was totally onboard with being one of those yummy mummies who sips rose while her baby coos sweetly on the floor with his rattle, but have you tried to wrangle a wriggly baby after even a few sips of a drink?  I have.  I don’t recommend it. Especially if you have a baby who is ‘in the 1% or 2% percentile for height’ for his age.

Drinking anything really: I haven’t had a hot coffee since July.

Did I miss anything?

 

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4 thoughts on “The Definitive List of Things That Become Difficult When You Have A Baby

  1. Dede Simms

    Helen, just know that I love you, Freddy and Hugo…your friends stateside are reliving their childhood based on your experience as a new mom…stay amazing! Dede😘

    Like

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